Remember When

“Are you sure this is the right decision?” my husband inquired for the fourth time.

                “It’s what she wanted,” I replied evenly.  I fought to blink back tears.  I wanted him there with me more than anything.   

                “Ok.  Call me afterwards.  I love you,” he said quietly.  We hung up. 

                I glanced at the rear-view mirror and quickly reviewed each of my children’s faces.  Jane, the oldest, sat groggily in the very back of the mini-van, face pressed against the glass.  Susie, her little sister, anxiously clicked her tongue with loud, smacking clucks and watched with maternal affection as Anna, the 35-week-old infant, slept soundly.  Tommy, three years Susie’s junior, bounced excitedly in his car seat, chattering endlessly to fill the deafening silence. 

                Finally, the nursing home entrance appeared in the distance.  Butterflies angrily consumed the walls of my stomach while my heartbeat slowed.  Maybe they really weren’t ready for this. 

                “We’re here!” Tommy cried with glee.  “Mommy, Mommy, Mommy, Mommy, can I unbuckle yet?”

                I felt myself smile at Tommy’s eagerness to see his grandparents, to free himself from the bondage of the car seat and to run at full speed through the halls into their arms. 

                “Not until the car stops moving,” Jane answered coolly.  Tommy stuck his tongue out at her and she playfully ruffled his hair. 

                I parked near the entrance and turned off the engine.  This was it. 

                My husband’s voice entered my head.  Just be honest with them he had instructed.  When I turned to face them, six brown owl-eyes met mine with curious apprehension. 

                “We’re going to see Grammy today,” I heard myself say.  I bit my lip, unsure how to merge into the bitter truth.

                “Is she dying?” Jane asked suddenly.

                “No, she’s not dying!” Tommy giggled.  “She promised to get green Jell-O with me today with extra whipped cream!” He licked his lips and beamed, his smile stretching from ear to ear.  Inside, my heart rippled into a million shreds. 

                “Grammy isn’t feeling well today,” I said gently. 

                “Is today a bad day?” Jane probed.  I nodded.  Jane understood the difference between her Grammy’s good days and her bad days. 

                “What’s dying?” Susie questioned, sucking her thumb. 

                Jane’s hand shot up in the air.  Patiently, she waited for me to call on her, as she had been taught to do in school.  “Can I tell her, Mom?”  She asked with fervor. 

                I nodded.  “Dying’s when you leave earth and go to heaven,” She explained proudly.  “People die when they get sick or crash their cars and stuff like that.  Daddy’s job is to help sick people so that they don’t die before they need to.” 

                “Daddy’s a doctor,” Tommy said with conviction. 

                I unbuckled the seatbelt and stepped into the dark, sinister world.  I quickly wiped my eyes before lifting the baby out of the car seat and into my arms.  I hugged her a bit closer to myself than normal. 

                The five of us walked through the automatic doors and greeted the nurses at the front desk.  Tommy high-fived the security guards, who knew him by name.  We had become regulars there. 

                I breathed in the scent of carpet cleaner and hand sanitizer, an odor that reeked throughout the entire home.  In a strange way, I knew I would grow to miss it.  Our days left with the Shady Hook Manor community were dwindling rapidly. 

                Tommy excitedly skipped through the halls until we reached the seventh wing.  My father stood outside the room at the end of the hall and extended his arms.  Jane, Susie, and Tommy flew down the corridor, throwing themselves around his neck.  He closed his eyes and kissed them. 

                Once I reached them, he gently pressed his lips to baby Anna’s head and returned his attention to the others.  With slow steps, we led them inside. 

                My mother sat in the sun room next to Cora, her longtime nurse.  Vigorously, she twiddled her thumbs as Cora rose to greet the kids. 

                Cora pulled me aside.  “Holler if you need me.  I’ll let you have some time alone with her.”  She lightly patted Anna on the back and then squeezed my hand.  Her smooth, ebony skin sent shivers throughout mine.

                Jane looked at her siblings and then at me.  I nodded my head.

                She stepped forward.  “Hi, Grammy,” She said softly, pecking her on the cheek.  Susie followed after her, planting a quick kiss on her face and then running away to cower behind my legs. 

                “Hey, Ma.  I brought the kids to see you today, just like you wanted,” I said shakily, sitting down next to her. 

                “Daddy couldn’t come today.  He’s doing surgery at the hospital,” Jane explained to her. 

                “Surgery,” her Grammy repeated lifeless.  She stared blankly into space, inhaling and exhaling through the oxygen tube around her nose. 

                Suddenly, Tommy appeared from the other room and sprinted to Grammy’s side.  He plopped down onto her lap and hugged her with all his might. 

                “Is it Jell-O time yet?” He asked her.  She gazed at him in a quizzical stupor.  “Huh, Grammy?  Can we go now?”

                “Who are you?” she mumbled.                

                “Grammy!  It’s Tommy,” He giggled, pleased at the invention of a new game.  “I’m Tommy, you’re Grammy.”

                “Tommy?” she wondered in a slow grumble.  Her eyes met his.  He continued to gleam. 

                “Tommy, just stop it,” Jane pleaded, frustrated.  “She doesn’t know who you are.”

                “Janey, she knows who he is,” her grandpa stated soothingly.  “Sometimes, she just doesn’t remember, that’s all.  But she loves you all very, very much.”  I gaped at him with awe, incredulous at his assuredness. 

                “Grandpa, why did she forget us?” Susie asked dejectedly. 

                He paused.  “Well, she’s just not feeling like herself today.  But she wanted to see you all again, just in case…well, just because she loves you so much,” he finished, his voice tired, heavy.

                “Can Daddy help her?” Susie pondered, tugging on my jacket sleeve.  I ran my hands through her hair, wondering how anyone could ever forget a face so pristine and angelic.

                “No, I don’t think he can, sweetie,” I said softly.  Anger filled my heart as a single tear rolled down her cheek.  “But, maybe he will be able to help other people like her one day.”

                The room echoed with silent thought.  Restless, Tommy shifted his weight back to his grandmother.

“Grammy, remember when you promised to get the cafeteria Jell-O with me?” Tommy inquired, full of hope.

                She skimmed the room, frightened at the presence of so many strangers.  “How did you get in here?” she asked fiercely.  “Who are you?  Why are you touching me like that?  I’ve never even seen you before!” She began to shake violently. 

                Alarmed, Anna awoke from her slumber and shrieked.  I realized then that she would never remember her Grammy.  And her Grammy would never remember her. 

                “Grammy…?” Tommy started.

                “Get him off of me!” she bellowed, and threw him off her lap.  “Get out!  Go!  Scram!”  She heaved harder and harder with every breath.

                “I hate you!” Tommy yelled back, and fled from the room.  A horror-stricken grandpa ran after him.   Petrified, I sat motionless as my mother rocked herself back and forth.

                Cora briskly walked into the sun room and helped my mother onto her feet.  “Alright, I think Grammy is a little tired today…I’m sorry, guys, but maybe Mommy will let you can come back soon?” She looked at me, offering a warm smile.  The girls stared at me with forlorn gazes that penetrated my very soul. 

“Of course,” I lied.  “They’ll be back soon.  Let’s go, kids.  Wave bye-bye to Grammy, now.”  Cora mouthed she was sorry to me before leading my weeping mother into her bedroom. 

As the girls fetched their jackets, I cooed Anna back to sleep.  Hot tears soaked my face, each drop as dense as a waterfall.  I shut the door to the apartment and went to find Tommy so I could lie again and reassure him that he would always be in his Grammy’s heart.